The morning of the seventh day dawned clear and bright despite an oppressive humidity level, by definition anything above 10% here in Colorado.
Old Testament Reading: Gen 1:7
And God divided the waters he made visible in the clouds from the waters he made invisible in the air itself, called it humidity, and it was so.
Please stand for the reading of the Gospel (greek: good news).
The pace of the CHP congregation on the ride out to Trimble Lane and even slightly beyond was REASONABLE and ENJOYABLE for the majority of riders.
You may be seated. That's as good as it got
CHP Members, Ride as FAST AS YOU WANT six days a week. Turn every club ride into a race. Go out with the "A" or 'B" group. See if you can WIN. The seventh day is the day of REST. Pull pacelines of riders who aren't as strong as you. Hang back with newbies and the "Lantern Rouge." Serve others as a domestique. Help make the CHP the kind of cycling club YOU would have wanted to belong to when you weren't such a hotshot cyclist.
Forgiveness is now offered for riders backsliding and pedaling too fast: Go and SpIN no more.
Colnago 10:13: Behold, I am the good shepherd. A good shepherd lays down the wind for the pack. A hired racer, who is not a shepherd and whose teammates are not his own onlysees a chance to break away, and a SUV catches and scatters the sheep.
Mimi wasn't with the group today, reportedly she was reportedly helping some strapping young men "sowing some wild oats" or "haying" or something agricultural like that.
Larry proclaimed he had a "great ass" during the pedal through the Pine Forest after Wade #2 commented that "the view" while wheelsucking Kelly was infinitely superior to "the plumber's crack tailshot you get behind Larry." This brought forth Larry's asinine declaration.. Further down in this email is an URL for an online poll where you can vote on whether you think Larry has great ass.
Having caught up with Bill, stretched out his aero bars, we discussed the Durango Masters Swimming program, an aquatic adventure I'm afraid to even attempt despite years of childhood "swim team." Bill's reputation as the "waterboarding" dominatrix of master's swimming doesn't help recruiting efforts much. Kinda like riders who turn a beautiful ride in the pines into…nevermind.
Jane, who rode on Sunday, has been reported to the Durango Area Tennis Association (DATA) for her subversive comments regarding the community's critical need for a year-round indoor tennis facility. Unlike Gail, she wears the same jersey every week so she should be easily recognizable for DATA members who wish to try and run her over.
This scribe overheard parts of a discussion involving said rider about "handling it" and "being a good stroker" while the group rested at Baker's Bridge. As all male cyclists know, a hand-job is infinitely preferable to no job at all.
Riders present and accounted for at today worship included Gail, Marianne, Genie, Bill, Walter, Janna, Jerry, Pat, Scott, Chris, and the guy from Garrhs who rides a Bianchi whose name I can never remember. And some returnee to the group who hasn't ridden with CHP in a year or so, whose name I quickly put in the category with the guy from Garrhs who rides the Bianchi. And AP.
AP's cardiologist has reportedly cut off his supply of Viagra, despite his being "healthy enough for sexual activity" because of the apparent color-blindness he has developed with excessive use. Either that or he thinks Inspector Clouseau is after him.
Ezekial 1: Lo, I beheld the living creatures, each astride two wheels set upon the earth. 16 The appearance of the wheels and their workings were like unto the colour of aluminum: and the spokes had one likeness: their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel, perhaps a bearing. 17 Wherever they went, they went upon their wheels: and they turned not whenever they stopped.
The climb up Shalona was uncomfortably warm, the humidity helping not one bit. Fortunately the bear Kelly spotted didn't decide to try and dine on the slow-moving, sweat-dipped creatures set by the Creator before it. After making the turn a pleasant headwind appeared. The train, late again, missed it's once-a-week opportunity to flatten buku cyclists bunny-hopping the tracks at 30mph plus, itself a risky venture.
According to one member of the Church of the High Pines climbing Shalona Hill is like having a regular colonoscopy. It's a tad uncomfortable. It invariably takes longer than you would like it to. Being a bit sore afterwards isn't uncommon. But you know it's important for your health so you go ahead with the procedure.
Discussions at the 550 Junction included chipsealing and the "smooth-as-a-baby's-butt" new asphalt laid down between Coal bank and Red Mountain. It was agreed that the extra fine gravel used on the CR240/ Florida chipseal is "so good" that the County could, in the future, chipseal all the way out to the edges. A once or twice a month (summer) sweeping of the shoulders to remove all the gravel "bleeding" from the center of the roadway would be awful nice too, Mr. Villers.
Parker regaled riders with stories of his recent trip to Kenya and Tanzania where he found himself surrounded by slow moving, easily angered buffalo and elephant, unable to break away. Not unlike riding with the rear guard of the CHP, lacking only in guides carrying bolt-action rifles to put down rampaging members who occasionally ruin a perfectly good Sunday ride in the pines by attempting breakaways.
The headwind coming back to Bread got stronger and stronger as the morning progressed. A micro-paceline of Kelly, Chris and some other guy (probably another Garrhs employee) wheelsucked any number of unsuspecting non-CHP riders while returning to Bread, discarding them like day-old toast the second they withered.
Next thing you know these riders realized they were being chased and filmed from a helicopter. The riders intentionally formed up beautiful pacelines and waved as the buzzing helicopter passed back and forth, a man leaning out the side holding some sort of camera, riders thinking "Wow, we're gonna be on DCAT!" The helicopter then turned exactly ninety degrees to the road, following hi-tension lines, and continued what was apparently inspection work and not, as was prayed for, filming the CHP riders.
Some utterly amazing footage of a similar chopper "at work" was obtained anyway:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9iMe307ypQ
Thus endeth the ride report.
Scriptural discussions at Bread involved Durango's inability to find sufficient funds to fill in the life-threatening potholes in the "virtually unusable" bike lane along Florida road while constructing "monuments" like the new library. This in a designated "Bicycle Friendly City." Pffft!!!
Kelly is currently recovering from arthroscopic hip surgery which required the INTENTIONAL dislocation of her hip. Imagine that. OUCH! She reports declining anesthesia during the dislocation in order to speed her recovery DOUBLE OUCH! How exactly do you dislocate a hip without accidentally breaking the femur? Crowbar? Tire Irons?
Two other CHP'ers from the injured reserve, John, recovering from abdominal surgery, and Bob (rotator) cuff came to the Bread to celebrate the sacraments; Bob riding a loaner recumbent. We wish both a speedy recovery as well as Kelly. Well, maybe not Kelly 'cause at 100% nobody will be able to keep up with her. Anyone freely choosing to stay conscious just so they can say, "Go ahead, break my hip, I dare ya" to an orthopedic surgeon poses a serious threat to all male riders.
News and Views
Larry reports the availability of a "new style" of clip for Shimano SPD "clipless" pedals (there goes Beezlebub again, speaking with forked tongue) which supposedly allows release in additional directions, REDUCING the number of shoulder-bruising fall-overs most cyclists experience their first week or so riding with the mismonikered "clipless" pedals .
The Mr. Smiley Bicycle Recycling project is currently in limbo. They've got plenty of bikes they can recycle, and plenty of volunteers. What they need is a new location. Something in town. Currently Mesa color is storing their hundreds of bikes in a super-heated 2nd floor storeroom, but they've found it too hot for volunteers to work in. Pass the word. Like Habitat for Humanity, Smiley needs a Durango biz owner looking for a fat tax-writeoff to donate a great location for this noble cause. Like the old A-Med oxygen building, perhaps.
Church Recruiting Drive
Following in the path of LDS and the Seventh Day Advertisers CHP has begun sending out missionaries in the hopes of recruiting new members. Cycling tracts with catchphrases like: "Get ridden hard and put away wet" and "You can be on top with cycling!" were handed to ladies in bicycle shops and/or wearing cycling fashion apparel. A report from our missionaries indicates that virtually every woman cyclist approached had already gotten the word that CHP is a "testosterone fest" and knew better than to show up, at least without bringing along some "protection." Next week our missionaries will travel to Bayfield in the hopes at least SOME female cyclists there haven't heard about CHP's reputation for too-quick rides over with in mere moments with riders collapsing into a heaving sweaty mess.
If a missionary position sounds appealing to you, see the Deacon.
Inflation HeresyLast weeks church bulletin outlined certain heresy claiming that tires inflated to less than their maximum pressure might actually be more comfortable to ride upon and cost little, if anything in terms of performance. This hyperbole could be compared to Darwin suggesting that highly evolved life forms like cyclists have, over time degenerated into the owners of jacked-up pickup trucks. From the bishop on down we all know this is scripturally unsound. "Intelligent Design" by German tire designers is universally towards higher inflation pressures, never lower.Offering:
The offering plate was empty once again, save for a pair of empty "Goo" gel foil packs and a Powerbar with an expiration date of 3/2004. Congregants are requested not to use the offering plate for trash disposal.
Nutritional Seminar
Riders who found it challenging to keep up during last week's little rocket-ride are invited to a Friday night "nutritional" seminar put on by no less than a "nutritionist" to one-time Tour de France champion Floyd Landis, to be held at 7:30 at the Associate Pastor's house, 718 Riverview. Any CHP members with friends or family members using insulin are requested to bring along as much "kit" as possible.
