Father Larry, having discovered an ability to turn water into wine was absent at this service because of his requested attendance at a wedding ceremony in a distant land which unexpectedly turned into a seven day drunk for the majority of participants after discovery of said ability. "We were flushing with Cabernet!" he claimed in a letter to the church. High Pines Mennonites have prayed this ability will not be diminished in any way upon his return to Durango for as we all know "A prophet can work no miracles in his home town"
Shouts of "Lets go, dammit" by Mimi eventually got the leaderless CHP congregation out of the Bread parking lot on an unusually cool and pleasant morning. What followed was anything but pleasant, a blistering sprint out to Baker's Bridge.
For this sin, hellfire and brimstone is ABOUT to be unleashed upon those Mennonites who continue reading.
In a series of ugly and dismembered pacelines combined with excessive wheel-sucking even by intermediate riders JUST TRYING NOT TO GET DROPPED the group spread to over a mile in length before the lead riders skidded to a halt at the bridge. After one sweating and panting parishoner blasphemed "Jesus that was fast!" other congregants joined the choir: "It wasn't exactly a Sunday ride in the Pines. "More like C-group" (Durango Wheel Club). "I thought I might be able to keep up if I drafted the guy with the bypass scar" exhorted one breathless parishoner at the bridge. "Wrong!" Ignoring his cardiologist's advice AP ONCE AGAIN set a new maximum heartrate record, risking "Getting dropped" – for good!
Which brings us to the crux of this sermon. This shall NOT stand. Church of the High Pines is NOT the Durango Wheel Club. An excessive pace drives off visitors and robs even regular congregants of the joy and fellowship in riding alongside other believers. It SHALL NOT be repeated ever again. The joy and beauty of participating in a perfectly executed single or double paceline is simply lost when only the mightiest of Mennonites can even keep up with it. For it is written:
Psalm 147:10 He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: He taketh no pleasure in the legs of a man that resemble those of a horse.
Congregants, the purpose of our service is to allow all parishoners at ALL levels of faith to commune in the healing and restorative beauty of cycular worship. The holy paceline is to strengthen the WEAK, not to glorify the strong. It is from you ELDERS I now DEMAND restraint and call upon others to assist in intentionally slowing the pace of our services to a level where ALL riders can casually converse, rather than gulping for air before even getting to Trimble Lane. Save it for Shalona Hill (and beyond) if you prefer EPO and testosterone to the sweet wine of communion with your fellow wheelmen and wheel-ladies; for any sin committed there shall surely not be counted against you.
"A breakaway brings solitude, pride and a haughty spirit come before a fall. Proverbs 16:18-19
And now fellow congregants, especially you ELDERS, in the name of our Holy Father, I forgive you of your ever so egregious sin, and so cleansed I exhort every one of you reading to arrive refreshed and spirit-filled to cycle LEISURELY with the faithful in the cool of the 7th morning and once again celebrate His wonderful creation, TOGETHER.
To live in Durango and cycle among friends. This is our blessing.
Now back to the ride report. A pair of guest Texans, cleated cowboy boots and all, joined the group. Dallasite Katie flatted before Trimble Lane. Didn't anyone tell them, if God intended Texans to ski, he'd have made manure white? How could these heathens possibly think God felt any differently about cycling here in paradise. They led parishoners accustomed to Durango shops with their measly selection of road bikes astray with lurid stories of the Dallas Bike Mart and it's seemingly endless selection of wheeled pleasures racked, stacked, and hung from the ceiling. To rub it in they wore jerseys from this den of inequity. After getting dropped last week, 2nd-time rider Laura left Bread 15 minutes early, only to beat EVERY parishoner to the top of Shalona hill. This using old fashioned toe clips. Once again she was browbeat by virtually every Mennonite in the congregation as to the tremendous advantages of supposed "clipless" pedals, which, Satan, the great deceiver must have named, since they consist solely of clips fastened to the bottoms of ones soles.*The clip shall fasten it's fangs into thy sole and shall thereby crush thy shoulder...." Genesis 3:17
Panting for breath, rider Wade#2 wheel sucked Kelley, and virtually every other rider he could cling to through the valley and the Pine Forest and still arrived almost dead last. On the way out a fabulous pull by Pat allowed these two riders to rejoin the girls after tarrying too long at the bridge thinking other riders were still behind.
At the top of Shalona Jane requested several riders "examine" her "equipment" for dragging brakes, underinflated tires, or other reasons why it took her so freakin' long to get there. Riders cheerfully went along with this fiction and "aligned" the front wheel which MUST have been the cause. The group physician suggested it was possibly a cardiac output / V02 issue and suggested a chest exam in the bushes, which she respectfully declined. The two Texans and a couple of other apostates left the group to continue up to Havilland Lake. Excommunication hearings are being considered for the flatlanders for making the rest of the congregation look bad.
Virgin "Llloyd" joined the group in the "big sweat" up to the top of Shalona Hill, where upon the descent, for the first time in Church History, the group was very nearly met head-on by the D&SNG locomotive. Apparently old Charlie stole the handle. Riders present and accounted for included Margaret, awarded "Lantern Rouge" upon her arrival at the bridge, Jerry, Mime, Jane, Gail and Scott, Pat, the Garrhs' guy with the Bianchi whose name I can never remember, AP, and at least a dozen others I just can't recall perhaps because of a tad excessive communion wine disguised as cherry Gatorade.
Either that or keeping my head down just trying not to get dropped.
Prayers for HealingBob showed up and helped break the bread after the ride while in recovery from Rotator Cuff surgery. He will be borrowing a recumbent from Wade#2 so he can continue riding without neck/shoulder stress while recovering. Upon his recovery this 'bent will be available to ANY Mennonites needing such a recovery training device.
Keep Going Round and RoundSeveral interesting discussions of tire choices (Conti 4000, S1000, Gatorskin) have occurred during recent rides, with some know-it-all today suggesting that many riders are in fact OVERINFLATING their tires, claiming "A friend of a friend who works for Continental" suggested a much smoother ride on chipseal can be had by NOT going to max inflation and instead sticking around 90psi. The nerve of such an apostate! Anything under 120psi is KNOWN to be heresy! May the Mennonites do unto him as the Catholic church did unto Galileo!
Undertraining
At the Bread the advantages of "undertraining" when preparing for a ride like the Iron Horse was discussed. "See, if you're not really ready, you're not so upset when it gets cancelled" claimed the leading proponent of this technique. "And if it doesn't get cancelled, you've got the added thrill of not knowing whether you'll actually finish it or not. Either way you win!" Converts to this new theology of training were few, although several were amused.
Offering:The plate was empty once again, although one rider claimed to have made a "charitable contribution" of a turbo trainer which his wife mistook for garage sale crap and let go for $5. He requested CHP issue him a receipt for the IRS, none was given.
