Writing about a ride you didn't take much part in is challenging. So I'm gonna write about flat tires instead.
Here's the thing about flats. If you don't take the time to figure out WHY a tire went flat, throwing a new inner tube at it will only result in a SECOND flat tire. Flats are a Zen thing. They're telling you to slow down. Enjoy the scenery. Talk to people. Show the newbie how it's done. Or if you ARE the newbie, learn how to do it. Enjoy the PROCESS, not just the result. Cause if you rush the process all you'll end up with is ANOTHER FLAT.
Old Testament Reading: Leviticus 21:18
For whatsoever man he be that hath acne (a blemish), he shall not approach the altar: a blind man, or a lame, nor he that hath a flat tire
Mike was truly astounded by the fact that nearly EVERY cyclist who went past us while we were working on his 3rd? 4th? flat of the day asked if we needed anything That's Durango. Never mind the Texan crushed beneath a tree and left to die in the Weminuche. Just a snafu. Communication mix-up. But we do have his ATV, camping gear and mountain bike for sale, see the Associate Pastor.
Once you get into the Zen of flats, then you can be pleased and amazed at all the NEW ways you discover for tires to go flat, like a spare tube with a defective valve that caused Mikes' THIRD flat. (A rim strip not completely covering spoke holes in his deep-dish rims caused the first two). The cause of the FOURTH flat remains unknown. If only this was the Tour de France and some guy would lean out a car window and install an entire new wheel on for you.
After spending the first half of the ride fixing flats, newcomer Mike and I rode a bit past Trimble lane, out to the burn area, where we met up with the pack returning from Baker's Bridge. Bob is back on his upright bike again, and made it to Baker's Bridge and back. At Trimble Bob lent us a FIFTH tube, just in case.
Bowing to peer pressure Laura showed up with clipless pedals and new shoes this week. So far, no Artey Johnson fallovers at stoplights. Sorry, no YouTube clip. I looked.
"Where's your bicycle, Pastor?" I said, because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years! "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will definitely get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. I've got faith that after I get to 'Thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out. The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the Ten Commandments thing had worked out as planned. He replied, "Well, I got as far as "Thou shall not commit adultery....... suddenly I remembered where I left the bike."
7/29/08
7/26/08
Tire Size and Pressure - by Wade at Boure
Time to spread the "Word"
All Truth passes through three stages.
First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self evident.
"Philosopher", Arthur Schopenauer
One of the hardest parts about being right all the time is the constant ridicule of the very people who should help spread the Word (oh , and also the beatings)
At the risk of changing the world in a positive way I give you the following from "right minded people" who can explain it better than I
Welcome back to the fold if you've have wandered.Spread the Word and believe...W
Here ya go...
http://www.vintagebicyclepress.com/images/BQ64TireTest.pdf
All Truth passes through three stages.
First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self evident.
"Philosopher", Arthur Schopenauer
One of the hardest parts about being right all the time is the constant ridicule of the very people who should help spread the Word (oh , and also the beatings)
At the risk of changing the world in a positive way I give you the following from "right minded people" who can explain it better than I
Welcome back to the fold if you've have wandered.Spread the Word and believe...W
Here ya go...
http://www.vintagebicyclepress.com/images/BQ64TireTest.pdf
7/25/08
The Edgemont Epic - by Gregg Senne
By Gregg Senne, Alternate Deacon and Keeper of the Book of Sarcasm
This Really Happened.
Floyd (anchor):
Well, it a bit warmer here in Durango today for the start of the Edgemont Climb. It's in the 80's and there's a breeze coming out of the southwest. Perfect weather for a hill climb.
Lance (color):
That's right Floyd. Looks like our field of one is in pretty good form. Senne's been a bit behind in this season's training so it'll be interesting to see just how well he does.
Floyd:
There's the signal for the start. Senne's out on the course and accelerating onto the approach to the climb. Looks like he's resetting his bike computer and shifting up a few gears. He's doing about 15 miles per hour.
Lance:
While Senne settles in, let's review the course. It's a 784' climb over 3.16 miles to the crest at Edgemont. The course is divided into four parts. The first mile rises at about 3%. The second section starts the actual climbing at 7% for about 1 mile. There's a bit of flatter section at 2 miles and then starts the final leg of the climb at 8%.
Floyd:
If Senne's trying for a personal best today, he certainly has his work cut out for him. He's a bit behind in his training and there's virtually no help from the wind. Now we're at the start of the climb. There's a down shift. Looks like he's trying to carry his higher gears a bit farther up the hill than normal. Still in the saddle and keeping a good cadence.
Lance:
This has been a problem for Senne in the past. He hasn't always been as careful as he could with his choice of gears. Earlier today in a sprint to the finish, he was caught on his middle chain ring, which cost him a great deal of acceleration. Let's hope he doesn't make a similar mistake on this climb.
Floyd:
Right, Lance. The right gear and cadence is everything on the Edgemont Climb. Senne's on the 25 tooth and right about in the middle of the first climb. His cadence is up a bit and we can only surmise that he's trading torque for power and staying in the saddle.
Lance:
Right, Floyd. Too many riders stand up too early and give up power when they don't need the torque. Very smart move on Senne's part.
Floyd:
Senne's approaching the part of the first climb where it levels out just a bit. Let's see what his strategy is. Will he shift up to gain speed or put off a shift to recover a bit? He's at the crest. And there it is! He's shifted up and he's accelerating! Brilliant move!
Lance:
Great move on Senne's part! This sets him up for the flatter part in the middle of the course. He'll only need to shift up a gear or two to take full advantage of the flatter middle section. Will he take a drink here or wait for the flat? Floyd?
Floyd:
Senne's been known to take a drink here, but he usually pays a speed penalty. No, he's forgoing the drink! The bottle is in the cage and Senne's keeping the pressure on! Brilliant strategy! By keeping the pressure on he's set himself up for more acceleration on the flat.
Lance:
It's a broad sweeping corner and Senne's keeping up the pace. We're nearing the end of the first climb and it's anybody's guess at what he'll do. Will it be a recovery on the flat or more acceleration?
Floyd:
Senne's at the top of the first climb. He looking good here. There's the shift, one gear, and another! Senne's shifted up two gears! And he's out of the saddle! He's putting it all into accelerating on the flat! There'll be no recovery before the final climb!
Lance:
This is an extremely risky move on Senne's part. He usually takes a drink here and recovers a bit for the final climb. Let's see how he handles it. His cadence looks good. It looks like he has the reserves for the final assault.
Floyd:
We're almost to the 2 1/2 mile point and the beginning of the final climb. Senne normally shifts down a gear here to keep the cadence up. Let's see what he does. Does he shift? No! He's out of the saddle again! He's going to push those gears for as far as he can!
Lance:
Senne's taking a big risk here! With his abbreviated training schedule it will be interesting to see just how far this new strategy takes him!
Floyd:
So far, so good. He's riding well. It's anybody's guess just how long he'll stay out of the saddle. He's stretching the sprint. Normally, at this point he's in the saddle and on his lowest gear, but not today. There's the shift and Senne's back in the saddle.
Lance:
And it's probably a good thing. Dragging a sprint out for too long will only use up energy that's better spent in the saddle.
Floyd:
Wait! Senne's shifted up again! And he's back out of the saddle! Looks like he has the strength to keep the pressure on! This is highly unusual for Senne! Quite often he's in the saddle for most of the climb and over the crest. What does he have in mind? We'll just have to wait and see.
Lance:
Senne often picks out a point up the course to start and end sprints. Sometimes its a road sign or a tree shadow and he's fairly consistent in picking these points. Today it's completely different. We'll just have to wait and see how it works out for him.
Floyd:
There's the downshift to the lowest gear and he's back in the saddle. There's a few hundred feet left in the climb. Will he stay in the saddle?!
Lance:
How could anybody know? He's played this one so differently! And it seems to be working!
Floyd:
We're two hundred feet from the crest and he's looking pretty good! Wait! He's shifting up! Senne's shifting up way early! And now he's back out of the saddle! He's approaching the crest and taking full advantage of the diminishing grade! He's shifted again! He's shifted up again! Senne's shifted up and trying to trim every last second! He's at the crest, and still pushing hard! He's over the crest and reaching for the big chain wheel! Amazing! Let's see what the judges say about this. Is it a personal best? Elapsed time is 20:37. Not a personal record but still a good showing for this early in the season.
Lance:
He's tried a different strategy this time and it seems to have paid off well. It will be interesting to see how he improves his time over the coming months.
Floyd:
That's right, Lance. Edgemont is one of Senne's favorite climbs and I'm sure he's going to keep on giving it all he has to shave off the seconds toward a new personal best. Let's see if we can get a word or two from Senne about today's ride. How do you feel?
Senne:
I feel pretty good. I tried to stay in higher gears as long as I could. I'm getting a better handle on when to sprint.
Floyd:
Was there any point on the course where you felt you might have pushed too far?
Senne:
Not really. I felt like I could handle the gears.
Floyd:
I noticed you didn't take a drink during the climb. Is that something new?
Senne:
Yeah. I usually take a drink just to get rid of the dry mouth, but I didn't want to take the time today.
Floyd:
I see. Well, congratulations on your climb! Looks like you've made a lot of progress and are set to go even further.
Senne:
Thanks, Floyd. I think this will be a pretty good season.
Floyd:
There you have it. One man, one hill, and one hell of a lot of determination. This is truly cycling at it's best! That completes the June 1st Edgemont Climb. This has been Lance and Floyd for Velo Durango. Good-bye everybody!
Lance:
Good-bye!
Floyd:
Lance.
Lance:
What?
Floyd:
I'm supposed to do the sign off. I get the last word.
Lance:
You do? No, you don't!
Floyd:
Yes, I do. It's in my contract.
Lance:
What? That's bullshit! Why should it matter?
Floyd:
I matters because the contract says so. Why do you think I'm paying my agent 15%?
Lance:
15%? Buddy, you're getting ripped! So what if I don't get the last word, I'm paying 10%. Is the extra 5% worth it? I don't think so!
Floyd:
Are we still on the air? What?! Shit! Cut the mikes!
The End
This Really Happened.
Floyd (anchor):
Well, it a bit warmer here in Durango today for the start of the Edgemont Climb. It's in the 80's and there's a breeze coming out of the southwest. Perfect weather for a hill climb.
Lance (color):
That's right Floyd. Looks like our field of one is in pretty good form. Senne's been a bit behind in this season's training so it'll be interesting to see just how well he does.
Floyd:
There's the signal for the start. Senne's out on the course and accelerating onto the approach to the climb. Looks like he's resetting his bike computer and shifting up a few gears. He's doing about 15 miles per hour.
Lance:
While Senne settles in, let's review the course. It's a 784' climb over 3.16 miles to the crest at Edgemont. The course is divided into four parts. The first mile rises at about 3%. The second section starts the actual climbing at 7% for about 1 mile. There's a bit of flatter section at 2 miles and then starts the final leg of the climb at 8%.
Floyd:
If Senne's trying for a personal best today, he certainly has his work cut out for him. He's a bit behind in his training and there's virtually no help from the wind. Now we're at the start of the climb. There's a down shift. Looks like he's trying to carry his higher gears a bit farther up the hill than normal. Still in the saddle and keeping a good cadence.
Lance:
This has been a problem for Senne in the past. He hasn't always been as careful as he could with his choice of gears. Earlier today in a sprint to the finish, he was caught on his middle chain ring, which cost him a great deal of acceleration. Let's hope he doesn't make a similar mistake on this climb.
Floyd:
Right, Lance. The right gear and cadence is everything on the Edgemont Climb. Senne's on the 25 tooth and right about in the middle of the first climb. His cadence is up a bit and we can only surmise that he's trading torque for power and staying in the saddle.
Lance:
Right, Floyd. Too many riders stand up too early and give up power when they don't need the torque. Very smart move on Senne's part.
Floyd:
Senne's approaching the part of the first climb where it levels out just a bit. Let's see what his strategy is. Will he shift up to gain speed or put off a shift to recover a bit? He's at the crest. And there it is! He's shifted up and he's accelerating! Brilliant move!
Lance:
Great move on Senne's part! This sets him up for the flatter part in the middle of the course. He'll only need to shift up a gear or two to take full advantage of the flatter middle section. Will he take a drink here or wait for the flat? Floyd?
Floyd:
Senne's been known to take a drink here, but he usually pays a speed penalty. No, he's forgoing the drink! The bottle is in the cage and Senne's keeping the pressure on! Brilliant strategy! By keeping the pressure on he's set himself up for more acceleration on the flat.
Lance:
It's a broad sweeping corner and Senne's keeping up the pace. We're nearing the end of the first climb and it's anybody's guess at what he'll do. Will it be a recovery on the flat or more acceleration?
Floyd:
Senne's at the top of the first climb. He looking good here. There's the shift, one gear, and another! Senne's shifted up two gears! And he's out of the saddle! He's putting it all into accelerating on the flat! There'll be no recovery before the final climb!
Lance:
This is an extremely risky move on Senne's part. He usually takes a drink here and recovers a bit for the final climb. Let's see how he handles it. His cadence looks good. It looks like he has the reserves for the final assault.
Floyd:
We're almost to the 2 1/2 mile point and the beginning of the final climb. Senne normally shifts down a gear here to keep the cadence up. Let's see what he does. Does he shift? No! He's out of the saddle again! He's going to push those gears for as far as he can!
Lance:
Senne's taking a big risk here! With his abbreviated training schedule it will be interesting to see just how far this new strategy takes him!
Floyd:
So far, so good. He's riding well. It's anybody's guess just how long he'll stay out of the saddle. He's stretching the sprint. Normally, at this point he's in the saddle and on his lowest gear, but not today. There's the shift and Senne's back in the saddle.
Lance:
And it's probably a good thing. Dragging a sprint out for too long will only use up energy that's better spent in the saddle.
Floyd:
Wait! Senne's shifted up again! And he's back out of the saddle! Looks like he has the strength to keep the pressure on! This is highly unusual for Senne! Quite often he's in the saddle for most of the climb and over the crest. What does he have in mind? We'll just have to wait and see.
Lance:
Senne often picks out a point up the course to start and end sprints. Sometimes its a road sign or a tree shadow and he's fairly consistent in picking these points. Today it's completely different. We'll just have to wait and see how it works out for him.
Floyd:
There's the downshift to the lowest gear and he's back in the saddle. There's a few hundred feet left in the climb. Will he stay in the saddle?!
Lance:
How could anybody know? He's played this one so differently! And it seems to be working!
Floyd:
We're two hundred feet from the crest and he's looking pretty good! Wait! He's shifting up! Senne's shifting up way early! And now he's back out of the saddle! He's approaching the crest and taking full advantage of the diminishing grade! He's shifted again! He's shifted up again! Senne's shifted up and trying to trim every last second! He's at the crest, and still pushing hard! He's over the crest and reaching for the big chain wheel! Amazing! Let's see what the judges say about this. Is it a personal best? Elapsed time is 20:37. Not a personal record but still a good showing for this early in the season.
Lance:
He's tried a different strategy this time and it seems to have paid off well. It will be interesting to see how he improves his time over the coming months.
Floyd:
That's right, Lance. Edgemont is one of Senne's favorite climbs and I'm sure he's going to keep on giving it all he has to shave off the seconds toward a new personal best. Let's see if we can get a word or two from Senne about today's ride. How do you feel?
Senne:
I feel pretty good. I tried to stay in higher gears as long as I could. I'm getting a better handle on when to sprint.
Floyd:
Was there any point on the course where you felt you might have pushed too far?
Senne:
Not really. I felt like I could handle the gears.
Floyd:
I noticed you didn't take a drink during the climb. Is that something new?
Senne:
Yeah. I usually take a drink just to get rid of the dry mouth, but I didn't want to take the time today.
Floyd:
I see. Well, congratulations on your climb! Looks like you've made a lot of progress and are set to go even further.
Senne:
Thanks, Floyd. I think this will be a pretty good season.
Floyd:
There you have it. One man, one hill, and one hell of a lot of determination. This is truly cycling at it's best! That completes the June 1st Edgemont Climb. This has been Lance and Floyd for Velo Durango. Good-bye everybody!
Lance:
Good-bye!
Floyd:
Lance.
Lance:
What?
Floyd:
I'm supposed to do the sign off. I get the last word.
Lance:
You do? No, you don't!
Floyd:
Yes, I do. It's in my contract.
Lance:
What? That's bullshit! Why should it matter?
Floyd:
I matters because the contract says so. Why do you think I'm paying my agent 15%?
Lance:
15%? Buddy, you're getting ripped! So what if I don't get the last word, I'm paying 10%. Is the extra 5% worth it? I don't think so!
Floyd:
Are we still on the air? What?! Shit! Cut the mikes!
The End
7/22/08
Worship Report for July 20th- by Wade Nelson
The morning of the seventh day dawned clear and bright despite an oppressive humidity level, by definition anything above 10% here in Colorado.
Old Testament Reading: Gen 1:7
And God divided the waters he made visible in the clouds from the waters he made invisible in the air itself, called it humidity, and it was so.
Please stand for the reading of the Gospel (greek: good news).
The pace of the CHP congregation on the ride out to Trimble Lane and even slightly beyond was REASONABLE and ENJOYABLE for the majority of riders.
You may be seated. That's as good as it got
CHP Members, Ride as FAST AS YOU WANT six days a week. Turn every club ride into a race. Go out with the "A" or 'B" group. See if you can WIN. The seventh day is the day of REST. Pull pacelines of riders who aren't as strong as you. Hang back with newbies and the "Lantern Rouge." Serve others as a domestique. Help make the CHP the kind of cycling club YOU would have wanted to belong to when you weren't such a hotshot cyclist.
Forgiveness is now offered for riders backsliding and pedaling too fast: Go and SpIN no more.
Colnago 10:13: Behold, I am the good shepherd. A good shepherd lays down the wind for the pack. A hired racer, who is not a shepherd and whose teammates are not his own onlysees a chance to break away, and a SUV catches and scatters the sheep.
Mimi wasn't with the group today, reportedly she was reportedly helping some strapping young men "sowing some wild oats" or "haying" or something agricultural like that.
Larry proclaimed he had a "great ass" during the pedal through the Pine Forest after Wade #2 commented that "the view" while wheelsucking Kelly was infinitely superior to "the plumber's crack tailshot you get behind Larry." This brought forth Larry's asinine declaration.. Further down in this email is an URL for an online poll where you can vote on whether you think Larry has great ass.
Having caught up with Bill, stretched out his aero bars, we discussed the Durango Masters Swimming program, an aquatic adventure I'm afraid to even attempt despite years of childhood "swim team." Bill's reputation as the "waterboarding" dominatrix of master's swimming doesn't help recruiting efforts much. Kinda like riders who turn a beautiful ride in the pines into…nevermind.
Jane, who rode on Sunday, has been reported to the Durango Area Tennis Association (DATA) for her subversive comments regarding the community's critical need for a year-round indoor tennis facility. Unlike Gail, she wears the same jersey every week so she should be easily recognizable for DATA members who wish to try and run her over.
This scribe overheard parts of a discussion involving said rider about "handling it" and "being a good stroker" while the group rested at Baker's Bridge. As all male cyclists know, a hand-job is infinitely preferable to no job at all.
Riders present and accounted for at today worship included Gail, Marianne, Genie, Bill, Walter, Janna, Jerry, Pat, Scott, Chris, and the guy from Garrhs who rides a Bianchi whose name I can never remember. And some returnee to the group who hasn't ridden with CHP in a year or so, whose name I quickly put in the category with the guy from Garrhs who rides the Bianchi. And AP.
AP's cardiologist has reportedly cut off his supply of Viagra, despite his being "healthy enough for sexual activity" because of the apparent color-blindness he has developed with excessive use. Either that or he thinks Inspector Clouseau is after him.
Ezekial 1: Lo, I beheld the living creatures, each astride two wheels set upon the earth. 16 The appearance of the wheels and their workings were like unto the colour of aluminum: and the spokes had one likeness: their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel, perhaps a bearing. 17 Wherever they went, they went upon their wheels: and they turned not whenever they stopped.
The climb up Shalona was uncomfortably warm, the humidity helping not one bit. Fortunately the bear Kelly spotted didn't decide to try and dine on the slow-moving, sweat-dipped creatures set by the Creator before it. After making the turn a pleasant headwind appeared. The train, late again, missed it's once-a-week opportunity to flatten buku cyclists bunny-hopping the tracks at 30mph plus, itself a risky venture.
According to one member of the Church of the High Pines climbing Shalona Hill is like having a regular colonoscopy. It's a tad uncomfortable. It invariably takes longer than you would like it to. Being a bit sore afterwards isn't uncommon. But you know it's important for your health so you go ahead with the procedure.
Discussions at the 550 Junction included chipsealing and the "smooth-as-a-baby's-butt" new asphalt laid down between Coal bank and Red Mountain. It was agreed that the extra fine gravel used on the CR240/ Florida chipseal is "so good" that the County could, in the future, chipseal all the way out to the edges. A once or twice a month (summer) sweeping of the shoulders to remove all the gravel "bleeding" from the center of the roadway would be awful nice too, Mr. Villers.
Parker regaled riders with stories of his recent trip to Kenya and Tanzania where he found himself surrounded by slow moving, easily angered buffalo and elephant, unable to break away. Not unlike riding with the rear guard of the CHP, lacking only in guides carrying bolt-action rifles to put down rampaging members who occasionally ruin a perfectly good Sunday ride in the pines by attempting breakaways.
The headwind coming back to Bread got stronger and stronger as the morning progressed. A micro-paceline of Kelly, Chris and some other guy (probably another Garrhs employee) wheelsucked any number of unsuspecting non-CHP riders while returning to Bread, discarding them like day-old toast the second they withered.
Next thing you know these riders realized they were being chased and filmed from a helicopter. The riders intentionally formed up beautiful pacelines and waved as the buzzing helicopter passed back and forth, a man leaning out the side holding some sort of camera, riders thinking "Wow, we're gonna be on DCAT!" The helicopter then turned exactly ninety degrees to the road, following hi-tension lines, and continued what was apparently inspection work and not, as was prayed for, filming the CHP riders.
Some utterly amazing footage of a similar chopper "at work" was obtained anyway:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9iMe307ypQ
Thus endeth the ride report.
Scriptural discussions at Bread involved Durango's inability to find sufficient funds to fill in the life-threatening potholes in the "virtually unusable" bike lane along Florida road while constructing "monuments" like the new library. This in a designated "Bicycle Friendly City." Pffft!!!
Kelly is currently recovering from arthroscopic hip surgery which required the INTENTIONAL dislocation of her hip. Imagine that. OUCH! She reports declining anesthesia during the dislocation in order to speed her recovery DOUBLE OUCH! How exactly do you dislocate a hip without accidentally breaking the femur? Crowbar? Tire Irons?
Two other CHP'ers from the injured reserve, John, recovering from abdominal surgery, and Bob (rotator) cuff came to the Bread to celebrate the sacraments; Bob riding a loaner recumbent. We wish both a speedy recovery as well as Kelly. Well, maybe not Kelly 'cause at 100% nobody will be able to keep up with her. Anyone freely choosing to stay conscious just so they can say, "Go ahead, break my hip, I dare ya" to an orthopedic surgeon poses a serious threat to all male riders.
News and Views
Larry reports the availability of a "new style" of clip for Shimano SPD "clipless" pedals (there goes Beezlebub again, speaking with forked tongue) which supposedly allows release in additional directions, REDUCING the number of shoulder-bruising fall-overs most cyclists experience their first week or so riding with the mismonikered "clipless" pedals .
The Mr. Smiley Bicycle Recycling project is currently in limbo. They've got plenty of bikes they can recycle, and plenty of volunteers. What they need is a new location. Something in town. Currently Mesa color is storing their hundreds of bikes in a super-heated 2nd floor storeroom, but they've found it too hot for volunteers to work in. Pass the word. Like Habitat for Humanity, Smiley needs a Durango biz owner looking for a fat tax-writeoff to donate a great location for this noble cause. Like the old A-Med oxygen building, perhaps.
Church Recruiting Drive
Following in the path of LDS and the Seventh Day Advertisers CHP has begun sending out missionaries in the hopes of recruiting new members. Cycling tracts with catchphrases like: "Get ridden hard and put away wet" and "You can be on top with cycling!" were handed to ladies in bicycle shops and/or wearing cycling fashion apparel. A report from our missionaries indicates that virtually every woman cyclist approached had already gotten the word that CHP is a "testosterone fest" and knew better than to show up, at least without bringing along some "protection." Next week our missionaries will travel to Bayfield in the hopes at least SOME female cyclists there haven't heard about CHP's reputation for too-quick rides over with in mere moments with riders collapsing into a heaving sweaty mess.
If a missionary position sounds appealing to you, see the Deacon.
Inflation HeresyLast weeks church bulletin outlined certain heresy claiming that tires inflated to less than their maximum pressure might actually be more comfortable to ride upon and cost little, if anything in terms of performance. This hyperbole could be compared to Darwin suggesting that highly evolved life forms like cyclists have, over time degenerated into the owners of jacked-up pickup trucks. From the bishop on down we all know this is scripturally unsound. "Intelligent Design" by German tire designers is universally towards higher inflation pressures, never lower.Offering:
The offering plate was empty once again, save for a pair of empty "Goo" gel foil packs and a Powerbar with an expiration date of 3/2004. Congregants are requested not to use the offering plate for trash disposal.
Nutritional Seminar
Riders who found it challenging to keep up during last week's little rocket-ride are invited to a Friday night "nutritional" seminar put on by no less than a "nutritionist" to one-time Tour de France champion Floyd Landis, to be held at 7:30 at the Associate Pastor's house, 718 Riverview. Any CHP members with friends or family members using insulin are requested to bring along as much "kit" as possible.
Old Testament Reading: Gen 1:7
And God divided the waters he made visible in the clouds from the waters he made invisible in the air itself, called it humidity, and it was so.
Please stand for the reading of the Gospel (greek: good news).
The pace of the CHP congregation on the ride out to Trimble Lane and even slightly beyond was REASONABLE and ENJOYABLE for the majority of riders.
You may be seated. That's as good as it got
CHP Members, Ride as FAST AS YOU WANT six days a week. Turn every club ride into a race. Go out with the "A" or 'B" group. See if you can WIN. The seventh day is the day of REST. Pull pacelines of riders who aren't as strong as you. Hang back with newbies and the "Lantern Rouge." Serve others as a domestique. Help make the CHP the kind of cycling club YOU would have wanted to belong to when you weren't such a hotshot cyclist.
Forgiveness is now offered for riders backsliding and pedaling too fast: Go and SpIN no more.
Colnago 10:13: Behold, I am the good shepherd. A good shepherd lays down the wind for the pack. A hired racer, who is not a shepherd and whose teammates are not his own onlysees a chance to break away, and a SUV catches and scatters the sheep.
Mimi wasn't with the group today, reportedly she was reportedly helping some strapping young men "sowing some wild oats" or "haying" or something agricultural like that.
Larry proclaimed he had a "great ass" during the pedal through the Pine Forest after Wade #2 commented that "the view" while wheelsucking Kelly was infinitely superior to "the plumber's crack tailshot you get behind Larry." This brought forth Larry's asinine declaration.. Further down in this email is an URL for an online poll where you can vote on whether you think Larry has great ass.
Having caught up with Bill, stretched out his aero bars, we discussed the Durango Masters Swimming program, an aquatic adventure I'm afraid to even attempt despite years of childhood "swim team." Bill's reputation as the "waterboarding" dominatrix of master's swimming doesn't help recruiting efforts much. Kinda like riders who turn a beautiful ride in the pines into…nevermind.
Jane, who rode on Sunday, has been reported to the Durango Area Tennis Association (DATA) for her subversive comments regarding the community's critical need for a year-round indoor tennis facility. Unlike Gail, she wears the same jersey every week so she should be easily recognizable for DATA members who wish to try and run her over.
This scribe overheard parts of a discussion involving said rider about "handling it" and "being a good stroker" while the group rested at Baker's Bridge. As all male cyclists know, a hand-job is infinitely preferable to no job at all.
Riders present and accounted for at today worship included Gail, Marianne, Genie, Bill, Walter, Janna, Jerry, Pat, Scott, Chris, and the guy from Garrhs who rides a Bianchi whose name I can never remember. And some returnee to the group who hasn't ridden with CHP in a year or so, whose name I quickly put in the category with the guy from Garrhs who rides the Bianchi. And AP.
AP's cardiologist has reportedly cut off his supply of Viagra, despite his being "healthy enough for sexual activity" because of the apparent color-blindness he has developed with excessive use. Either that or he thinks Inspector Clouseau is after him.
Ezekial 1: Lo, I beheld the living creatures, each astride two wheels set upon the earth. 16 The appearance of the wheels and their workings were like unto the colour of aluminum: and the spokes had one likeness: their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel, perhaps a bearing. 17 Wherever they went, they went upon their wheels: and they turned not whenever they stopped.
The climb up Shalona was uncomfortably warm, the humidity helping not one bit. Fortunately the bear Kelly spotted didn't decide to try and dine on the slow-moving, sweat-dipped creatures set by the Creator before it. After making the turn a pleasant headwind appeared. The train, late again, missed it's once-a-week opportunity to flatten buku cyclists bunny-hopping the tracks at 30mph plus, itself a risky venture.
According to one member of the Church of the High Pines climbing Shalona Hill is like having a regular colonoscopy. It's a tad uncomfortable. It invariably takes longer than you would like it to. Being a bit sore afterwards isn't uncommon. But you know it's important for your health so you go ahead with the procedure.
Discussions at the 550 Junction included chipsealing and the "smooth-as-a-baby's-butt" new asphalt laid down between Coal bank and Red Mountain. It was agreed that the extra fine gravel used on the CR240/ Florida chipseal is "so good" that the County could, in the future, chipseal all the way out to the edges. A once or twice a month (summer) sweeping of the shoulders to remove all the gravel "bleeding" from the center of the roadway would be awful nice too, Mr. Villers.
Parker regaled riders with stories of his recent trip to Kenya and Tanzania where he found himself surrounded by slow moving, easily angered buffalo and elephant, unable to break away. Not unlike riding with the rear guard of the CHP, lacking only in guides carrying bolt-action rifles to put down rampaging members who occasionally ruin a perfectly good Sunday ride in the pines by attempting breakaways.
The headwind coming back to Bread got stronger and stronger as the morning progressed. A micro-paceline of Kelly, Chris and some other guy (probably another Garrhs employee) wheelsucked any number of unsuspecting non-CHP riders while returning to Bread, discarding them like day-old toast the second they withered.
Next thing you know these riders realized they were being chased and filmed from a helicopter. The riders intentionally formed up beautiful pacelines and waved as the buzzing helicopter passed back and forth, a man leaning out the side holding some sort of camera, riders thinking "Wow, we're gonna be on DCAT!" The helicopter then turned exactly ninety degrees to the road, following hi-tension lines, and continued what was apparently inspection work and not, as was prayed for, filming the CHP riders.
Some utterly amazing footage of a similar chopper "at work" was obtained anyway:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9iMe307ypQ
Thus endeth the ride report.
Scriptural discussions at Bread involved Durango's inability to find sufficient funds to fill in the life-threatening potholes in the "virtually unusable" bike lane along Florida road while constructing "monuments" like the new library. This in a designated "Bicycle Friendly City." Pffft!!!
Kelly is currently recovering from arthroscopic hip surgery which required the INTENTIONAL dislocation of her hip. Imagine that. OUCH! She reports declining anesthesia during the dislocation in order to speed her recovery DOUBLE OUCH! How exactly do you dislocate a hip without accidentally breaking the femur? Crowbar? Tire Irons?
Two other CHP'ers from the injured reserve, John, recovering from abdominal surgery, and Bob (rotator) cuff came to the Bread to celebrate the sacraments; Bob riding a loaner recumbent. We wish both a speedy recovery as well as Kelly. Well, maybe not Kelly 'cause at 100% nobody will be able to keep up with her. Anyone freely choosing to stay conscious just so they can say, "Go ahead, break my hip, I dare ya" to an orthopedic surgeon poses a serious threat to all male riders.
News and Views
Larry reports the availability of a "new style" of clip for Shimano SPD "clipless" pedals (there goes Beezlebub again, speaking with forked tongue) which supposedly allows release in additional directions, REDUCING the number of shoulder-bruising fall-overs most cyclists experience their first week or so riding with the mismonikered "clipless" pedals .
The Mr. Smiley Bicycle Recycling project is currently in limbo. They've got plenty of bikes they can recycle, and plenty of volunteers. What they need is a new location. Something in town. Currently Mesa color is storing their hundreds of bikes in a super-heated 2nd floor storeroom, but they've found it too hot for volunteers to work in. Pass the word. Like Habitat for Humanity, Smiley needs a Durango biz owner looking for a fat tax-writeoff to donate a great location for this noble cause. Like the old A-Med oxygen building, perhaps.
Church Recruiting Drive
Following in the path of LDS and the Seventh Day Advertisers CHP has begun sending out missionaries in the hopes of recruiting new members. Cycling tracts with catchphrases like: "Get ridden hard and put away wet" and "You can be on top with cycling!" were handed to ladies in bicycle shops and/or wearing cycling fashion apparel. A report from our missionaries indicates that virtually every woman cyclist approached had already gotten the word that CHP is a "testosterone fest" and knew better than to show up, at least without bringing along some "protection." Next week our missionaries will travel to Bayfield in the hopes at least SOME female cyclists there haven't heard about CHP's reputation for too-quick rides over with in mere moments with riders collapsing into a heaving sweaty mess.
If a missionary position sounds appealing to you, see the Deacon.
Inflation HeresyLast weeks church bulletin outlined certain heresy claiming that tires inflated to less than their maximum pressure might actually be more comfortable to ride upon and cost little, if anything in terms of performance. This hyperbole could be compared to Darwin suggesting that highly evolved life forms like cyclists have, over time degenerated into the owners of jacked-up pickup trucks. From the bishop on down we all know this is scripturally unsound. "Intelligent Design" by German tire designers is universally towards higher inflation pressures, never lower.Offering:
The offering plate was empty once again, save for a pair of empty "Goo" gel foil packs and a Powerbar with an expiration date of 3/2004. Congregants are requested not to use the offering plate for trash disposal.
Nutritional Seminar
Riders who found it challenging to keep up during last week's little rocket-ride are invited to a Friday night "nutritional" seminar put on by no less than a "nutritionist" to one-time Tour de France champion Floyd Landis, to be held at 7:30 at the Associate Pastor's house, 718 Riverview. Any CHP members with friends or family members using insulin are requested to bring along as much "kit" as possible.
7/14/08
Worship Report for July 12th - by Wade Nelson
Father Larry, having discovered an ability to turn water into wine was absent at this service because of his requested attendance at a wedding ceremony in a distant land which unexpectedly turned into a seven day drunk for the majority of participants after discovery of said ability. "We were flushing with Cabernet!" he claimed in a letter to the church. High Pines Mennonites have prayed this ability will not be diminished in any way upon his return to Durango for as we all know "A prophet can work no miracles in his home town"
Shouts of "Lets go, dammit" by Mimi eventually got the leaderless CHP congregation out of the Bread parking lot on an unusually cool and pleasant morning. What followed was anything but pleasant, a blistering sprint out to Baker's Bridge.
For this sin, hellfire and brimstone is ABOUT to be unleashed upon those Mennonites who continue reading.
In a series of ugly and dismembered pacelines combined with excessive wheel-sucking even by intermediate riders JUST TRYING NOT TO GET DROPPED the group spread to over a mile in length before the lead riders skidded to a halt at the bridge. After one sweating and panting parishoner blasphemed "Jesus that was fast!" other congregants joined the choir: "It wasn't exactly a Sunday ride in the Pines. "More like C-group" (Durango Wheel Club). "I thought I might be able to keep up if I drafted the guy with the bypass scar" exhorted one breathless parishoner at the bridge. "Wrong!" Ignoring his cardiologist's advice AP ONCE AGAIN set a new maximum heartrate record, risking "Getting dropped" – for good!
Which brings us to the crux of this sermon. This shall NOT stand. Church of the High Pines is NOT the Durango Wheel Club. An excessive pace drives off visitors and robs even regular congregants of the joy and fellowship in riding alongside other believers. It SHALL NOT be repeated ever again. The joy and beauty of participating in a perfectly executed single or double paceline is simply lost when only the mightiest of Mennonites can even keep up with it. For it is written:
Psalm 147:10 He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: He taketh no pleasure in the legs of a man that resemble those of a horse.
Congregants, the purpose of our service is to allow all parishoners at ALL levels of faith to commune in the healing and restorative beauty of cycular worship. The holy paceline is to strengthen the WEAK, not to glorify the strong. It is from you ELDERS I now DEMAND restraint and call upon others to assist in intentionally slowing the pace of our services to a level where ALL riders can casually converse, rather than gulping for air before even getting to Trimble Lane. Save it for Shalona Hill (and beyond) if you prefer EPO and testosterone to the sweet wine of communion with your fellow wheelmen and wheel-ladies; for any sin committed there shall surely not be counted against you.
"A breakaway brings solitude, pride and a haughty spirit come before a fall. Proverbs 16:18-19
And now fellow congregants, especially you ELDERS, in the name of our Holy Father, I forgive you of your ever so egregious sin, and so cleansed I exhort every one of you reading to arrive refreshed and spirit-filled to cycle LEISURELY with the faithful in the cool of the 7th morning and once again celebrate His wonderful creation, TOGETHER.
To live in Durango and cycle among friends. This is our blessing.
Now back to the ride report. A pair of guest Texans, cleated cowboy boots and all, joined the group. Dallasite Katie flatted before Trimble Lane. Didn't anyone tell them, if God intended Texans to ski, he'd have made manure white? How could these heathens possibly think God felt any differently about cycling here in paradise. They led parishoners accustomed to Durango shops with their measly selection of road bikes astray with lurid stories of the Dallas Bike Mart and it's seemingly endless selection of wheeled pleasures racked, stacked, and hung from the ceiling. To rub it in they wore jerseys from this den of inequity. After getting dropped last week, 2nd-time rider Laura left Bread 15 minutes early, only to beat EVERY parishoner to the top of Shalona hill. This using old fashioned toe clips. Once again she was browbeat by virtually every Mennonite in the congregation as to the tremendous advantages of supposed "clipless" pedals, which, Satan, the great deceiver must have named, since they consist solely of clips fastened to the bottoms of ones soles.*The clip shall fasten it's fangs into thy sole and shall thereby crush thy shoulder...." Genesis 3:17
Panting for breath, rider Wade#2 wheel sucked Kelley, and virtually every other rider he could cling to through the valley and the Pine Forest and still arrived almost dead last. On the way out a fabulous pull by Pat allowed these two riders to rejoin the girls after tarrying too long at the bridge thinking other riders were still behind.
At the top of Shalona Jane requested several riders "examine" her "equipment" for dragging brakes, underinflated tires, or other reasons why it took her so freakin' long to get there. Riders cheerfully went along with this fiction and "aligned" the front wheel which MUST have been the cause. The group physician suggested it was possibly a cardiac output / V02 issue and suggested a chest exam in the bushes, which she respectfully declined. The two Texans and a couple of other apostates left the group to continue up to Havilland Lake. Excommunication hearings are being considered for the flatlanders for making the rest of the congregation look bad.
Virgin "Llloyd" joined the group in the "big sweat" up to the top of Shalona Hill, where upon the descent, for the first time in Church History, the group was very nearly met head-on by the D&SNG locomotive. Apparently old Charlie stole the handle. Riders present and accounted for included Margaret, awarded "Lantern Rouge" upon her arrival at the bridge, Jerry, Mime, Jane, Gail and Scott, Pat, the Garrhs' guy with the Bianchi whose name I can never remember, AP, and at least a dozen others I just can't recall perhaps because of a tad excessive communion wine disguised as cherry Gatorade.
Either that or keeping my head down just trying not to get dropped.
Prayers for HealingBob showed up and helped break the bread after the ride while in recovery from Rotator Cuff surgery. He will be borrowing a recumbent from Wade#2 so he can continue riding without neck/shoulder stress while recovering. Upon his recovery this 'bent will be available to ANY Mennonites needing such a recovery training device.
Keep Going Round and RoundSeveral interesting discussions of tire choices (Conti 4000, S1000, Gatorskin) have occurred during recent rides, with some know-it-all today suggesting that many riders are in fact OVERINFLATING their tires, claiming "A friend of a friend who works for Continental" suggested a much smoother ride on chipseal can be had by NOT going to max inflation and instead sticking around 90psi. The nerve of such an apostate! Anything under 120psi is KNOWN to be heresy! May the Mennonites do unto him as the Catholic church did unto Galileo!
Undertraining
At the Bread the advantages of "undertraining" when preparing for a ride like the Iron Horse was discussed. "See, if you're not really ready, you're not so upset when it gets cancelled" claimed the leading proponent of this technique. "And if it doesn't get cancelled, you've got the added thrill of not knowing whether you'll actually finish it or not. Either way you win!" Converts to this new theology of training were few, although several were amused.
Offering:The plate was empty once again, although one rider claimed to have made a "charitable contribution" of a turbo trainer which his wife mistook for garage sale crap and let go for $5. He requested CHP issue him a receipt for the IRS, none was given.
Shouts of "Lets go, dammit" by Mimi eventually got the leaderless CHP congregation out of the Bread parking lot on an unusually cool and pleasant morning. What followed was anything but pleasant, a blistering sprint out to Baker's Bridge.
For this sin, hellfire and brimstone is ABOUT to be unleashed upon those Mennonites who continue reading.
In a series of ugly and dismembered pacelines combined with excessive wheel-sucking even by intermediate riders JUST TRYING NOT TO GET DROPPED the group spread to over a mile in length before the lead riders skidded to a halt at the bridge. After one sweating and panting parishoner blasphemed "Jesus that was fast!" other congregants joined the choir: "It wasn't exactly a Sunday ride in the Pines. "More like C-group" (Durango Wheel Club). "I thought I might be able to keep up if I drafted the guy with the bypass scar" exhorted one breathless parishoner at the bridge. "Wrong!" Ignoring his cardiologist's advice AP ONCE AGAIN set a new maximum heartrate record, risking "Getting dropped" – for good!
Which brings us to the crux of this sermon. This shall NOT stand. Church of the High Pines is NOT the Durango Wheel Club. An excessive pace drives off visitors and robs even regular congregants of the joy and fellowship in riding alongside other believers. It SHALL NOT be repeated ever again. The joy and beauty of participating in a perfectly executed single or double paceline is simply lost when only the mightiest of Mennonites can even keep up with it. For it is written:
Psalm 147:10 He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: He taketh no pleasure in the legs of a man that resemble those of a horse.
Congregants, the purpose of our service is to allow all parishoners at ALL levels of faith to commune in the healing and restorative beauty of cycular worship. The holy paceline is to strengthen the WEAK, not to glorify the strong. It is from you ELDERS I now DEMAND restraint and call upon others to assist in intentionally slowing the pace of our services to a level where ALL riders can casually converse, rather than gulping for air before even getting to Trimble Lane. Save it for Shalona Hill (and beyond) if you prefer EPO and testosterone to the sweet wine of communion with your fellow wheelmen and wheel-ladies; for any sin committed there shall surely not be counted against you.
"A breakaway brings solitude, pride and a haughty spirit come before a fall. Proverbs 16:18-19
And now fellow congregants, especially you ELDERS, in the name of our Holy Father, I forgive you of your ever so egregious sin, and so cleansed I exhort every one of you reading to arrive refreshed and spirit-filled to cycle LEISURELY with the faithful in the cool of the 7th morning and once again celebrate His wonderful creation, TOGETHER.
To live in Durango and cycle among friends. This is our blessing.
Now back to the ride report. A pair of guest Texans, cleated cowboy boots and all, joined the group. Dallasite Katie flatted before Trimble Lane. Didn't anyone tell them, if God intended Texans to ski, he'd have made manure white? How could these heathens possibly think God felt any differently about cycling here in paradise. They led parishoners accustomed to Durango shops with their measly selection of road bikes astray with lurid stories of the Dallas Bike Mart and it's seemingly endless selection of wheeled pleasures racked, stacked, and hung from the ceiling. To rub it in they wore jerseys from this den of inequity. After getting dropped last week, 2nd-time rider Laura left Bread 15 minutes early, only to beat EVERY parishoner to the top of Shalona hill. This using old fashioned toe clips. Once again she was browbeat by virtually every Mennonite in the congregation as to the tremendous advantages of supposed "clipless" pedals, which, Satan, the great deceiver must have named, since they consist solely of clips fastened to the bottoms of ones soles.*The clip shall fasten it's fangs into thy sole and shall thereby crush thy shoulder...." Genesis 3:17
Panting for breath, rider Wade#2 wheel sucked Kelley, and virtually every other rider he could cling to through the valley and the Pine Forest and still arrived almost dead last. On the way out a fabulous pull by Pat allowed these two riders to rejoin the girls after tarrying too long at the bridge thinking other riders were still behind.
At the top of Shalona Jane requested several riders "examine" her "equipment" for dragging brakes, underinflated tires, or other reasons why it took her so freakin' long to get there. Riders cheerfully went along with this fiction and "aligned" the front wheel which MUST have been the cause. The group physician suggested it was possibly a cardiac output / V02 issue and suggested a chest exam in the bushes, which she respectfully declined. The two Texans and a couple of other apostates left the group to continue up to Havilland Lake. Excommunication hearings are being considered for the flatlanders for making the rest of the congregation look bad.
Virgin "Llloyd" joined the group in the "big sweat" up to the top of Shalona Hill, where upon the descent, for the first time in Church History, the group was very nearly met head-on by the D&SNG locomotive. Apparently old Charlie stole the handle. Riders present and accounted for included Margaret, awarded "Lantern Rouge" upon her arrival at the bridge, Jerry, Mime, Jane, Gail and Scott, Pat, the Garrhs' guy with the Bianchi whose name I can never remember, AP, and at least a dozen others I just can't recall perhaps because of a tad excessive communion wine disguised as cherry Gatorade.
Either that or keeping my head down just trying not to get dropped.
Prayers for HealingBob showed up and helped break the bread after the ride while in recovery from Rotator Cuff surgery. He will be borrowing a recumbent from Wade#2 so he can continue riding without neck/shoulder stress while recovering. Upon his recovery this 'bent will be available to ANY Mennonites needing such a recovery training device.
Keep Going Round and RoundSeveral interesting discussions of tire choices (Conti 4000, S1000, Gatorskin) have occurred during recent rides, with some know-it-all today suggesting that many riders are in fact OVERINFLATING their tires, claiming "A friend of a friend who works for Continental" suggested a much smoother ride on chipseal can be had by NOT going to max inflation and instead sticking around 90psi. The nerve of such an apostate! Anything under 120psi is KNOWN to be heresy! May the Mennonites do unto him as the Catholic church did unto Galileo!
Undertraining
At the Bread the advantages of "undertraining" when preparing for a ride like the Iron Horse was discussed. "See, if you're not really ready, you're not so upset when it gets cancelled" claimed the leading proponent of this technique. "And if it doesn't get cancelled, you've got the added thrill of not knowing whether you'll actually finish it or not. Either way you win!" Converts to this new theology of training were few, although several were amused.
Offering:The plate was empty once again, although one rider claimed to have made a "charitable contribution" of a turbo trainer which his wife mistook for garage sale crap and let go for $5. He requested CHP issue him a receipt for the IRS, none was given.
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